Better Cities:The Lusted Argonian Maid, Part V

Book Information The Lusted Argonian Maid, Part V
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This Elder Scrolls Book Club selection was written by Redolegna.

The Lusted Argonian Maid, Part V

by Crassius Curio

The uncensored original version of The Lusty Argonian Maid

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ct V: in the Mistress's room

Scene I (The Mistress, then Lifts-Her-Tail and The Priest)

The Mistress (in bed, barely clothed): What in Oblivion is Crantius doing? He had promised to return as fast as he could. I have been waiting for him for two hours! Has he tricked me? Would he? Would he steal Lifts-Her-Tail from me? By Dibella, if I must wait for the soft kisses of the Argonian one more minute, I will go and look where they are and if he has betrayed me, I will oust him from this place. And Lifts-Her-Tail will be all mine. What a good idea... I think that it's what I will do, whatever he has done. The mere thought of his clumsy and sacrilegious body on this pure, frail slave! Oh, how silly I was to have her beaten and whipped! How much resentment she must have for me! How much caress I will have to give her so that she will forgive me! But that's not so bad, after all. And I'm rich, by Dibella! The Morag Tong will get rid of my husband and of this Crantius, this heavy bloke! Then I will have enough days left to spoil little Lifts-Her-Tail. Oh! I can't suffer waiting anymore. Enough, I go and if Crantius is with her, I'll have his hide!

(Exit the Mistress)

(Enter Lifts-Her-Tail and The Priest, carrying Crantius Colto's inanimated [sic] body; they hide it behind the bed, tied and with a gag in his mouth)

The Priest: You are sure, then?

Lifts-Her-Tail: Yes, dear priest. I know that you don't like violence, but I have to avenge myself one way or another and this one is perfect for me.

The Priest: As you wish, Lifts-Her-Tail. I will not blame you, for I can only imagine what you suffered and even good, understanding Stendarr would not forgive your masters and this Colto who claims to be a man!

Lifts-Her-Tail: My mistress will soon wish she had never owned me (she reaches for a whip, tied to her belt). And this is why.

The Priest: Where did you get that?

Lifts-Her-Tail: From the Tormenter's room. I have much grief against him, but he was only a hand.

(The Mistress comes back)

The Mistress (pushing the door open): They are nowhere to be seen! Not in his room, not in the domesticity quarters, not in the cellars, not in the attic? Where are they? This damn Crantius could not have taken her away from me to his house, could he? Blasted husband who has given her to him? Could he rather have not offered her to me? (Lifts-Her-Tail's eyes flare; The Priest grows pale and his face contorts in a mask of rage) What to do? What to do? Without her against me, I feel as I'm already dying!

Lifts-Her-Tail (leaving the shadows): You were looking for me?

The Mistress (throwing herself to her neck): Oh, dearie, you're here! This Crantius monster has not touched you, I hope! A word, a single word from you and I have his hide for good. Oh, that this jerk has even thought of you as his, it's too much. He must die for this evil deed!

The Priest (pushing her away from Lifts-Her-Tail): Enough, madam. Remember at least once that you swore an oath to your husband when you spoke to Lifts-Her-Tail. She is pure of any of your sins.

The Mistress (a mad light in her eyes): Pure? So, no one touched you? Ah, good priest who has come to marry me to Lifts-Her-Tail? It is why you have come, isn't it? Isn't it? So that the Nine approve of my passion for this Argonian? So that we will be united by stronger and better bonds than those of my previous marriage?

Lifts-Her-Tail (lifting her whip): Kneel down, pervert woman, and let me remind you of what I had to suffer from you and this leather sting.

The Mistress (down on the floor): Oh, love that I thought lost and that I so soon find again, whip me and love me more after that. I will accept all, provided that you love me and cherish me more than everything else in the world (Lifts-Her-Tail steps back, frightened)! Become and stay mine for ever! I'll be your slave, your slave!

The Priest: It would be funny, madam, but although you had many slaves, you have no idea what it is to be one. Even to avenge herself, Lifts-Her-Tail would not inflict you that. But prepare to regret your mischiefs if you have enough reason left.

(Lifts-Her-Tail whips the Mistress who shrieks with mixed pain and pleasure)

Lifts-Her-Tail (disgusted): She is crazy. I am avenged in a very different way than what I would have thought. I imagined her pleading to spare her and here she is, taking pleasure in her punishment.

The Priest: Believe me, dear child, you have reasons to be content. For such quick and deep madness, no hope of healing. But I know how to make the lesson more exemplary and painful (he fumbles through his robes and gives her a tiny bottle): here, make them drink this. They will sleep for hours, until someone wakes them up. If we put them in bed, the husband, when he returns, will draw only one conclusion.

Lifts-Her-Tail: Cunning and deceit... Not typical skills for a priest but very useful. (she helps him to put Crantius Colto and the Mistress, now inanimate, in bed, clutching each other) Oh, irony, master of humans! I could swear they still care for each other, seeing them like this. If your potion provides them with dreams, no doubt that they will believe that they are holding me! What a surprise they'll have!

Scene III and last (The Master, The Mistress, Crantius Colto ; then Lifts-Her-Tail and the Priest)

The Master (coming in, striding): Oh, lazy wife! Get up! The sun is already high! Have you slept since I left?

Crantius Colto (waking up): Who calls? Is it you, cute Lifts-Her-Tail who rests on my chest, tired with the many leagues we have come through tonight? Ah, ah!

The Master (incredulous): Crantius? What are you doing in my wife's bedroom ?

Crantius Colto (with his eyes closed and still very sleepy): Away, jealous one! If you want your wife, I give her back to you willingly, without regret! But don't touch Lifts-Her-Tail that you offered to me! And don't let your spouse get near her or, by the Nine, I'll have her head and will display it on the pikes in front of my house (he shakes the Mistress without looking at her)! Awake, little one. We have still much to do here before you come home with me.

The Mistress (waking up and stirring): Who calls? Is that you, wonderful Lifts-Her-Tail? Have my strokes and my kisses won your pardon?

The Master (amazed): What is the meaning of this? My wife, in Crantius's arms? Both of them crazy with Lifts-Her-Tail and swearing that they have had her this night when she is not there? But I understand why you were sleeping so well, you traitors! Your night must have been short!

The Mistress (opening her eyes and seeing Crantius Colto beside her): What? How do you dare touch me, you bastard? Where is Lifts-Her-Tail? Speak or I'll carve your heart out with my very teeth! (she hits Colto's torso with her fists) Answer, filth, where is the apple of my eyes? What have you done with her, fiend? If you have merely touched her, I will give your soul to necromancers so that you will eternally suffer!

Crantius Colto (fully awaken by the Mistress's shouts): Back, woman, back! Why are you here, you witch? You have crept in this bed to steal my Lifts-Her-Tail away from me! Give her back to me! Give her back to me, I say! Shall I impale you to get an answer from your dirty mouth?

The Master: I must be crazy! This is a awful and ridiculous nightmare!

The Mistress (turning savagely towards her husbands and throwing herself at him, trying to strangle him): Curse you! Why did you light the heathen fires of his desire? Why did you give Lifts-Her-Tail to him instead of me?

Crantius Colto (acting the same way as the Mistress): Curse you! Why did you leave when you give Lifts-Her-Tail to me? Couldn't you satisfy your voracious wife and let me bring the slave to my home?

The Master (stepping back and drawing his sword): Ah, deceivers! You, my wife, that I trusted! And you, Colto, you were right to warn me against the Dunmer ways. They have taken over your mind and those of all who live in this house!

(The Master kills them)

The Master: Eight and One, what have I done? And why inflict me with such a torment?

(The Master kills himself)

(Lifts-Her-Tail and the Priest come back in the room)

The Priest (grimly): All these deaths to own you, Lifts-Her-Tail. You are a very coveted and frightening woman.

Lifts-Her-Tail: I can now rest, for I am free and avenged. I will not be frightening any more, except to slavers' wealths [sic].

The Priest (surprised): You would work for the Thieves?

Lifts-Her-Tail: And gladly so. The wages are good and this a job full of opportunities...

The Priest: Hmm, hmm. Funny thing, Zenithar, protector of merchants, has a clergy opposed to mine... Do you think that a good healer and not-so-bad fighter would interest you new acquaintances as a partner?

Lifts-Her-Tail: Why not? You are a much precious man, priest.

The Priest: So, our troubles are settled. You are free and we are humble servants of the thief master. We have only to grab what we can and be away from this dreadful house before someone comes to know what all this noise is about.

Lifts-Her-Tail: You are right... friend.

(Exeunt omnes, holding their hands)

(The curtain drops)